Friday, May 19, 2017

I HATE PLUMBING !! a.k.a. MY THOUSAND DOLLAR FAUCET


      I like to think that I do many things well. I can build a radio station and when it's completed, I can program it. I do a fair job at wood working, electronics, and computers. If you want to re-wire your house, I'm the dude.



      There are many things I can't do. I sing like a cat caught in a wood chipper. I will never pilot the Star Ship Enterprise, no matter how many Holiday Inn Express's I stay in.

     Which brings me to plumbing. I hate it as much as it hates me. 

     When it comes to plumbing work, I am about as competent as the guy in charge of the Lee Harvey Oswald jail transfer. But every now and then I forget that little tidbit of information.

      I never learn.

      Penny and I have been working feverishly getting our historic home ready to sell. We found a buyer and the home inspectors found a couple of minor things the new owners wanted me to repair. OK, no problem. 'I can do this'.

      I fixed a banister and a couple of windows. Easy jobs. 



     I replaced a couple of cracked window panes. No muss, no fuss. Except for the cut on my finger, but that's another story.

      Then my wife pointed out that the faucet on the claw foot tub had a problem, and we should fix it. It was something that the home inspector missed but I wanted to do the right thing for the new owners who were on their way to Florida from Oregon.

      I had already called the plumber to re set a toilet, so I had him look at the faucet.



      “Can't get parts for it,” he told me. “It's too old.” 

      So Penny and I decided to obtain a nice brand new fixture. Only problem was that the local home center couldn't get one until June. Since the new owners were due to arrive in a week, Penny purchased one on the Internet. 
 
     This is where my life took a turn straight into that really hot place down below. And I don't mean Key West.

      I made the fateful decision to save a dollar or two and install the new fixture myself. 'I can do this', I said. 'It's easy' I said. Me and my big mouth.

      Of course the new faucet was not the same, and some extra parts were needed. Spending a day running all over hells half acre looking for pipe adapters, should have given me a clue as to things to come. 



     But no, I ignored the clues as well as comments from the wife like 'You know how you hate plumbing', 'Just spend the money.' And my all time favorite, 'This is not going to end well.' 

      And why does she keep calling me 'Tim, The Tool Man?'

      But I would not be swayed by her comments. And why should I pay someone to do something that I can do? Besides, 'Anyone can install a simple faucet.'

      I guess the voice in the back of my head was off fishing, watching the game, or something because that little jerk never said a word.

      I installed that faucet three times, and it leaked every time. 'I did everything right' I kept telling myself as I threw tools across the room. As well as turning the air as blue as the cloudless Florida sky on a sunny afternoon.

      After a full day of frustration, I threw in the towel along with a couple of wrenches. Hat in hand I returned home to inform Penny that I had failed.

      In between loud laughter, she said those immortal words. “I told you so.”

      She says those words a lot. I hate those words. It's not the words, or the fact that she says them. It's because she is always right.

      So I called the plumber and made an appointment for him to come fix the leak.

      But wait ….. there's more.

      The plumber man arrived the next day and took the whole faucet apart. Seems I had messed up a gasket as well as some of the pipe threads. And of course the gasket was a special type only available from the manufacturer. 'You need to get parts,' he said. I detected a hint of laughter when he said it.

      So I called the company and was informed that it would take six to eight weeks to obtain the needed part. Thanks for the great customer service. I can not print my response, but those who know me can fill in the blanks.

      I had no choice but to buy another faucet from one of their suppliers. It arrived two days later.




      With tail beneath my legs, I met the nice plumber man at the house and sat on the back porch while he installed the new faucet. My wife had already told me to “stay the hell out of the way. and don't touch anything." And if I behaved, I would not have to hear the plumber laughing hysterically at my incompetence as 'Mister Fix It.'

     So ends my tragic tail of the faucet installation from hell. At least the new owners will have a nice new faucet, along with a box  full of spare parts.

      When I arrived home that afternoon, I noticed that the water softener was leaking. 

      I could not get to the phone fast enough. Penny now has the plumber on speed dial.

     As my dear wife likes to tell people:

     Price of a fancy claw foot tub faucet..... $ 400.00
     Price of another fancy claw foot tub faucet to replace the one Lee screwed up $ 400.00
     Price for a “qualified” plumber to install $ 200.00
     Laughing at my husband........PRICELESS

     I hate plumbing.

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